For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) Read online

  “Of course. I’m glad you’re going.” He paused, swallowing tightly and finally looked back at me with glassy eyes. “It’s just sudden.”

  “It is, but I promise to be at the show. I can’t wait and it’s getting me through the hardship of going home.”

  Rhys’ mind was too unavailable to process my veiled confession, that he was my wanted distraction. He became distant for a beat as he stared towards the water. When his gaze returned to me he opened his mouth to speak and then closed it just as quickly.

  “What?” I inquired.

  “What time is your flight?”

  “Ten.”

  “How are you getting to the airport?”

  “I was just going to take the Tube,” I shrugged.

  “Can I take you instead?” he broke in.

  “You don’t have to, Rhys, it’s—”

  Interrupting me again he said, “Please, I’m going to miss you.” He stopped, catching his breath. “I was going to miss you when we were both in London, now I certainly will.”

  I couldn’t help thinking he didn’t mean to vocalize his thoughts, but I was delighted he did. There he was, offering the words I’d wanted to hear, the same ones that had been reverberating through my thoughts for weeks.

  “Okay,” I said, not sharing my similar attitude.

  “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For telling me you’re leaving, and letting me escort you.”

  “Of course I’d tell you.”

  His head tilted and I suspected he didn’t quite believe me. For a moment he avoided my gaze, fiddling with the table cloth, so I reached for his hand, placing mine on his. I wanted him to know I was sincere, that I wouldn’t keep things from him, and it worked. He lifted his long lashes and the corners of his mouth curved up into a small smile.

  “How far we’ve come,” he said staring into my eyes, “in just three weeks.” I narrowed my eyes and his hand twitched beneath mine, his thumb encircling my palm. “You’re much more forthcoming now.”

  Self-consciously, I removed my hand and continued eating. I had an awareness that things were changing, but hearing his recognition of the situation reminded me that it was really happening, that it wasn’t imaginary. Knowing he held that same knowledge that I’d slowly been peeling back my rough exterior and letting him in, proved he watched closer than I had assumed. He made me feel truly noticed for the first time since Aaron died.

  Interrupting my thoughts he asked, “Are you seeing anyone besides your parents?”

  “Yeah,” I stared at my plate. “I’m seeing Aaron’s parents, and my friend, Anne. We’ve been best friends since middle school. I’ll also go to see Aaron.” I offered the last bit with hesitation, but knew he would understand.

  He nodded. “Are you close to his parents?”

  “I keep in touch with them through email and visit when I can. Seeing me helps keep a part of their son alive. I’ve actually been considering returning the ring he bought me. It doesn’t feel right keeping it after all this time.”

  “Oh, you still have it?”

  “They made me keep it.”

  “You know,” he leaned forward, placing his chin on his hand. “That may hurt their feelings.”

  “It could, but holding on to it seems wrong. If I were to ever let someone else in,” I looked up at him when I said this. “They may think it strange that I’m holding on to my dead fiancé’s ring.”

  He leaned back again, crossed his arms and his biceps became more prominent. “If anyone is uncomfortable with that, they don’t deserve to be with you. That’s a part of you they would need to fully accept, Aaron and all.”

  His opinion left me breathless, bringing that familiar pressure in my chest whenever I fell harder for him. Rhys’ protectiveness over me, over Aaron, was unbelievable and in that moment I decided his heart was perfect beyond doubt.

  “Not everyone thinks like you, Rhys. I could end up with someone that’s jealous of a person I can’t fully let go of.”

  He shook his head. “It’s not about jealousy, it’s about respecting who you are and what you’ve been through. I’d never do that if I were with someone in your situation.” The hopeful part of my mind wished he was trying to tell me something, that there was more than that within his eyes. He looked at me intently. “Don’t give it back. You’re going to regret it. He gave that to you, and while he’s not around physically, he’s a part of you.”

  I nodded and we gradually moved on to another topic. The rest of the day was different after my departure announcement and talk of Aaron’s ring. It was loaded with memories clouding our future and it was heavy with the strain of our last certain time together. He drove me home, lost in quiet thoughts as we wound through the busy London maze. Because there wasn’t parking, he had to drop me off on the street, which he hated. Agreeing to be practical he said, “I’ll pick you up around eight o’clock tonight.”

  “Okay. Thanks for today. It was lovely.”

  “Thank you for coming. I enjoyed our time together.” I exited the car and he added, “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said, stepping back from the curb to watch him leave.

  ∞

  Rhys knocked around 7:30 p.m. and came in uninvited. His forwardness didn’t bother me, but the way he looked at me did. His energy lessened, his hands tight at his sides and the crinkle in between his brows seemed etched permanently into his skin. He looked up at me. “You ready?”

  Pieces of my heart broke unexpectedly; I suddenly regretted my trip, hating that I’d be in away from him. “Yeah, let me get my bags.”

  “I’ll get them.” He rushed to pick them up.

  “Rhys, you’re already driving me.”

  “Ellie, let me take care of you,” he said, his tone clipped and harsh. I pursed my lips and felt reprimanded.

  “Sorry,” I shrugged.

  He put the bags back down and sighed. “No, I’m sorry.”

  “I’ve just become used to taking care of myself.”

  He picked up my bags again and with his free hand on my lower back, he lead me outside. The drive was quiet, and I could barely make out his face hidden in the darkness. It still seemed serious as it had when he was on the phone, making mine mirror a similar solemnity. “Can I ask you something?”

  He looked over. “Anything.”

  “It may seem nosy…”

  “I know you better than that, Ellie.”

  “Who were you on the phone with earlier? You acted upset, different.”

  He pursed his lips and turned onto the next road, and I worried I had overstepped a boundary. “My mum.”

  “I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. You seemed…unhappy.”

  “No, we were just talking about a frustrating situation lacking a solution.”

  “Well, I’m here if you want to talk about it, you don’t have to of course.” It disappointed me that he wasn’t letting on, but then a tight-lipped simper appeared on his face, one that gave me the most uncomfortable notion. It reminded me of Aaron’s whenever he had tried surprising me with something.

  “I appreciate that, it’s complicated though. I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

  “No pressure,” I said nonchalantly, but actually I was fuming. I had offered my deepest burden, only to receive quiet from him. I tried reminding him that he knew my secret. “That was part of my difficulty with Aaron. People never understood my situation.”

  He seemed torn, looking between the road and myself a few times. “It’s something important I was telling mum about. She made suggestions, but it’s not that simple. There’s a…” he paused gathering his thoughts. “A part I want to audition for.”

  “Oh, and it’s coveted?” I asked intrigued.

  “Yes, very. But only by me,” he smirked.

  “I don’t understand, what’s the problem?”

  “Well,” he tilted his head. “It’s a complicated role, a rather sensitive topic and I don’t
know if I’d get picked despite how much I want it. I’m not sure I’ll get the opportunity I’m hoping for.”

  “I’m sure you will. You’re extremely talented and more in demand than ever.”

  “Thank you,” he blushed, smirking again. “I don’t know if the director wants me for the role though, it could take some convincing.”

  “Perhaps you should audition. I’m sure you’ll get it.”

  He leaned his head again, glancing at me, “Maybe,” he smiled softly. “Perhaps, I will.”

  Instead of dropping me at the curb, Rhys insisted on walking me into the airport. I told him it wasn’t necessary, worried that fans would bombard him, but he argued that he didn’t care. Luckily, the airport was fairly empty at the late hour and my adoration for him excelled since he wanted to see me off. He held my bag as I checked in with the attendant. With my ticket, I turned towards him, ready to go through security, but not ready to say goodbye. I would only be gone for a week, but that seemed too long without his sweet eyes looking over at me.

  “Will you text me the minute you land? Please.”

  “Even with the time change?” I asked skeptically.

  “Yes, it doesn’t matter. I want to know you’ve made it.”

  “Okay, I will.”

  We shared something between us; a silent longing and he leaned closer to me. His hand reached over to grab my arm until he finally pulled me closer and hugged me. While he held me he whispered in my ear, “Have a safe flight. I hope you have a nice time at home.” Pausing only for a moment, I heard his deep sigh. “I’m going to miss you.”

  His mouth practically touched my ear and it felt intimately like a kiss, sending tingles to my nerve-endings and through my blood. Rhys cut the hug short and added, “I know I wasn’t going to see you this coming week, but I enjoyed the idea of having you within reach.”

  My cheeks became hot and I smiled. “You can text me anytime, and we can Skype if you like. I can help you while I’m gone or we can just catch up.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded, hoping he would video chat with me just so I could see his face. Googling pictures was no longer enough. I craved his voice as it said my name, or the way he smiled when he looked at me and only me.

  He smiled crookedly, only one dimple appearing and nodded towards security. “You’d better get going.”

  “I know,” I said, but I continued lingering.

  “I’ll wait to hear from you. Don’t forget, okay?”

  “I won’t. I’ll talk to you in a few hours.” I hugged him again quickly before I could change my mind, catching him by surprise. He didn’t immediately return it and I know it was because it was unexpected, not because he didn’t want to reciprocate.

  Placing his arm around me he squeezed me gently, but tightly against him. “I’ll see you soon,” I said and started walking away. As I headed in, I waved through the glass as I did the first day we met. How things had changed since then.

  CHAPTER NINE

  I made it through Heathrow security and sat at the gate already missing him. It had only been thirty minutes since we parted, but I couldn’t imagine how I would feel towards the end of the week. I felt pathetic and stupid until Rhys proved he was in the same boat as me.

  Rhys: Can I pick you up Thursday?

  Me: Won’t you be busy with the show?

  Rhys: I’ll make it happen, if you’ll let me.

  Me: I’d like that.

  If I were crazy enough to believe it, I would’ve thought Rhys liked me too.

  After the plane leveled off, I was able to sleep for the majority of the flight. But during that hour of take-off I thought about who I had become over the last three weeks, how much I’d grown, all because I’d dropped my walls. When I moved to London, I vowed to keep to myself, to avoid attachments that could only result in loss, but Rhys came and changed that.

  Nothing was forced, and in a way his recognition of who I was made me want to open up further. I didn’t expect to fall for anyone, let alone a man who was beyond accepting of Aaron, of my thinking and talking about him all the time. That’s what made Rhys unique. I don’t think I would’ve experienced that with just any man because he was different. It was strange to care for him more than I could have anticipated, but I already owed him so much.

  I powered my phone the moment I landed in New Jersey, and my heart somersaulted when I saw he had sent me the photo of us on the boat. We really did look adorable and I admired his joyful face with a bittersweet sensation settling within me. I would never have new pictures of Aaron and sometimes I wished for newer memories with him, future ones. But then I wouldn’t have met Rhys, and even after three weeks I couldn’t imagine not knowing him. I texted him about my safe arrival and how happy the picture made me.

  My dad picked me up and when I saw him I hugged him for at least five minutes. It was one of those hugs that made you emotional; where the tighter you squeezed the better it felt. I missed him and he made my night when he said we were going to my favorite deli for breakfast the following morning. Twenty minutes later we made it home. My mother got out of bed, gave me sleepy kisses, and said, “I’m glad you’re here.”

  My childhood bedroom was basically a time capsule. Having moved in with Aaron during our junior year of college, I never truly moved back into my parents’ house, and even for the six months after his death, I hadn’t changed anything. There were pictures of me and Anne taped to the back of my door, and here and there were some of Aaron and I, too. It was evocative stepping in there, realizing the new person I’d become over two years, or even the person I had become since high school when I last decorated the space.

  An empty side effect of growing up is feeling like a guest in the home you were raised in. Things feel different, leaving you out of place and awkward, but I was comforted by the idea of London feeling like my home. It made it easier to believe that I really could start anew, and that maybe losing Aaron wasn’t going to be the end of me, just the end of us together. I had my parents to thank for that. They were phenomenal with everything: taking care of me when he passed, supportive of my idea to move away; they never held me back. They understood that I needed something and helped me pick up the pieces without judgment or putting me down, truly being the best parents I could ever ask for.

  Before bed, I stared at Rhys’ picture next to my bedside picture of Aaron from high school. They were the most comforting things in my room and I passed out somewhere after that.

  ∞

  Breakfast with my parents was interesting. I had wrongly assumed they were being sweet by taking me to my favorite deli, when after a few minutes their ulterior motives became clear. They wanted information, and my tactless mother inquired away immediately.

  “So, why are you here?”

  “Jeez, mom,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Way to make me feel at home.”

  “Shut up, you know what I mean… It’s been eight months, so what is it?”

  I looked at my dad with wide eyes. “She’s right Ellie, what’s going on?”

  I expected it from my mother, my dad, however, was usually on my side. But she knew me better than anyone. She was the tough parent, the one that got to the point and wasn’t your best friend.

  “I’m taking advantage of a break, that’s all.”

  They hesitatingly took the bait, allowing me to move on to the news in my life. I told them about the play, leaving my lovesick crush on Rhys out of it, and they told me what was new at home. The food was good, and so was the company, making me realize how much I’d missed them.

  After breakfast my parents left me at home to run errands. I lounged around and confirmed my plans with Anne for the next day. Soon after I found myself looking at Rhys’ picture again, staring at it and missing him, wanting to text him again. He had told me to keep in touch, and against my better judgment I typed out a message and pushed send.

  Me: Knowing you’re five hours ahead makes the 3500 miles feel much further.


  I tossed my phone aside only to hear it chime immediately.

  Rhys: I’d have to agree. I’m glad you’re visiting home, but I prefer having my friend in London.

  Me: Miss you too. What are you up to?

  Rhys: Just finishing rehearsals…it’s been a long day.

  Me: Do you feel ready?

  Rhys: Yeah, a little nervous, but I guess that’s normal.

  Me: You’ll be amazing. Did you decide about that role you wanted?

  Rhys: Yes, I considered your advice and I’m going to go for it. I want it more than my fear makes me cautious. I just hope casting takes me.

  I was typing a reply when he sent another text.

  Rhys: Would you want to video chat later?

  Me: Sure, do you need help for Hamlet?

  Rhys: No, I just want to see you…if that’s okay.

  I smirked uncontrollably at the screen. Thank god he couldn’t see me, I’d die and even death wouldn’t be enough to save me from humiliation.

  Me: I’d love that.

  We decided we would chat at 9:00 p.m. my time, 2:00 a.m. his time. I told him he was crazy staying up that late with the show approaching, but he mentioned he had the next day off, his last free weekend before the show. Disappointment came over me that I’d left town, because I had the hopeful certainty that we would’ve found a way to see each other. I didn’t regret coming home but I did lament being apart from him. I regretted it even more when I missed his call later that night. My dad had made his famous lasagna and after two helpings and some wine mixed with jet lag, I fell asleep on the couch with my parents. When I awoke at three in the morning, I rushed up to my room to see his message.

  Rhys: I think you forgot about me :( Maybe tomorrow?

  I texted him in a sleepy daze.

  Me: Sorry! I passed out downstairs. I won’t miss it tomorrow.

  The following morning Rhys’ reply set me at ease, continuing to prove how sweet and understanding he was.

  Rhys: It’s okay. I figured you were spending time with your parents; they deserve that. So do you. We can try again tonight.