For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) Page 5

  After a glass of wine that night, I finally texted him. I’d been idiotic enough to watch The Notebook while drinking, making the void of companionship too strong. I isolated myself from everyone, yet I was still lonely. Of course, drunk texting the celebrity you’re working with is not the smartest idea, but I wasn’t in the right place to make smart choices.

  Me: Ran today, but not into you. I also got some Paris guidebooks.

  I figured this was enough to lure him in, without seeming eager for conversation. I regretted it as an hour passed, then another, and I went to bed feeling stupid and just as alone. The bed feels bigger when you’re alone in it. I used to love when Aaron would go away for work and I’d have our queen-sized bed to myself, but after, even my full-sized mattress felt infinitely large. There was too much space, the sheets were too cold and I hated that I had to sleep alone again. I missed the naive comfort that I’d never have to do it again. Two hours later the movement and light from my phone woke me up.

  Rhys: Sorry I missed your text and run. I just left the cinema with a friend. I have to admit I ran yesterday and looked for you, too. But I didn’t message you because I didn’t want to bother you.

  As I read this, another text came in.

  Rhys: It was the most pleasant surprise seeing your name on my phone when I got out.

  I didn’t know what to say, but I was relieved he didn’t find me foolish. A silly smile crossed my face with the awareness that my text made him happy. I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to ask why he was looking for me, why my message made him so happy, and why he was being so nice to me, but I didn’t. I remembered the way I suffered in bed when I hadn’t heard from him, and it put me in my place.

  Me: Sorry we missed each other. Looking forward to working together tomorrow.

  Rhys: Just to working?

  Me: The company, too.

  I couldn’t help myself.

  ∞

  I didn’t sleep much throughout the night with Rhys and Aaron invading my mind. Each time I found myself thinking about Rhys, his luminous eyes, the delicacy of his pink lips, the stubble along his sharp jaw, I immediately thought of Aaron and what he would think of me. It caused a sensation in my stomach that made me feel sick, and I was certain it wasn’t the wine. It worsened as I picked out a cute outfit for work, only to remind myself nothing was going to happen with Rhys, yet something was happening to me.

  For the first time in almost two years, I was excited to see someone, and was thinking of something other than my emotional baggage. It made me livelier and happier, and even though Rhys and I would never keep in touch, I already knew I’d never forget him.

  He had awakened something in me that I thought had died: the ability to be attracted to someone, to enjoy someone’s company again, and to feel that flutter in my stomach I missed. I decided that, if anything, I’d entertain the idea of Rhys if only to heal myself. I’d take advantage of his friendship while he offered it because something about him was different.

  He was so habit-forming, easy to talk to, funny and lighthearted, and I couldn’t comprehend how effortless it was to spend time with that stranger. I guessed it was a side effect of how he seemed to have the whole package. He was handsome, sweet, successful, and any woman would kill to be his. But what I found most attractive about him, wasn’t his wealth or fame, it was how passionate he was about everything and how natural he treated everyone. He was indisputably real.

  I’d left earlier for work in hopes of getting there first. He texted me on my way.

  Rhys: Getting us coffee, is there anything else you’d like?

  Me: No, thank you.

  Rhys: Are you sure? I’m getting something, Ellie, so you might as well pick.

  Me: Surprise me.

  That was a huge mistake because he showed up with coffee and a huge bag of food. As he walked past the glass, his eyes found me and he smiled. It was contagious, causing the corners of my lips to rise as well, and I watched his eyes come to life as he observed my own grin. I opened the door for him and said, “Good morning,”

  “Good morning,” he repeated, after placing the bag on the table. “We’ve got Danishes, pastries, bagels, toast, fruits, and I got you a yogurt parfait.”

  I laughed, thoroughly pleased at his childlike enthusiasm. “That’s way too much.”

  “Well,” he said, putting his hands on his waist. “Someone didn’t want to be specific. You better eat it, ’cause I hate wasting food.”

  “Okay, okay. I’ll take some home if you want.”

  He nodded with his hands on his waist. “So, what will it be?”

  I chose the parfait and a croissant, which he served for me. He sat in the chair beside me and as we started eating I could feel his eyes on me. I avoided his glance, especially in close proximity, but I couldn’t help it anymore. Looking up, I caught him glancing at me as he bit his lower lip. “It’s good to see you. You look nice,” he gestured towards my outfit with his eyes.

  I had chosen a lacy navy t-shirt and pink skinny capri pants, which matched the color in my cheeks perfectly. I looked down shyly and almost choked on granola.

  “Am I making you uncomfortable?” he asked with a boyish grin.

  “No,” I swallowed. “It’s just, I’m not used to compliments from guys…it’s been a while.” I paused and proceeded to change the subject. “What movie did you see?”

  I didn’t just ask this for distraction, I was morbidly curious about who he’d gone with. He told me that he went with an old classmate, saying that he knew her since grade school. I wasn’t thrilled that it was a female, but when he again mentioned how happy my text had made him, it made me feel better. Jealously wasn’t practical, but I’d grown attached to him and while I knew this wouldn’t go anywhere, I didn’t like the thought of him with another woman.

  We spent the morning discussing other characters in the play, focusing on how Hamlet’s interactions with them would add characterization to him. Specifically we concentrated on Hamlet’s uncle, Claudius, and how he sets the events into motion. Rhys paid attention, looking at the text and being professional, but every now and again I caught him glancing at me in a way that left me flustered. He’d be staring at my face, biting his pen or crossing his muscular forearms across his chest, and it was impossible to ignore. Lunch came quickly though, saving me from embarrassment and that small meeting room.

  As we left campus all the students stared at him, some brave enough to wave and approach him. He was nice to them, waving back and signing an autograph or two, but his attention never left mine. It was hard to read him and unsettling because I never knew what was real and what wasn’t. He played pretend for a living, though he seemed most himself around me. But what if he wasn’t? The Rhys I saw could have been an act too. At the restaurant we ordered a pizza and I mustered the courage to bring up his companion again.

  “So how did you meet your friend again?” I asked as casually as possible.

  “Oh, I went to school with her. Her parents and mine are great friends, and they’ve always wanted us to get together, but she’s like a sister.”

  I sighed internally despite that I had no hold or possession over him. Rhys squinted his eyes and pushed his lips into a slight pucker as if he was contemplating something or analyzing me. It made me uncomfortable, knowing he fully understood my questioning, and it got worse when he opened his mouth. “Did you think I was on a date?”

  “No,” I laughed, extremely mortified. “I was just making conversation. That’s your business, Rhys.”

  The corners of his thin lips rose in the most spirited way and I knew he didn’t believe me. Why would he? My cheeks were red hot. We sat quietly for a few moments, glancing at the televisions by the bar. When I looked back for a second I saw his expression had turned serious again.

  “Since you revealed your circumstances to me, I thought of a few things I wanted to ask you…but I don’t want to overstep.”

  At this point he knew the worst, so I didn’t s
ee harm in new questions. I secretly loved that he wanted to ask about me, that he was interested in who I was. Nobody had cared about me after Aaron died, they only cared about the loss, the experience, but not how I actually was or even who I became in the after math.

  “You can ask me anything.”

  He seemed torn as he stared at my mouth, unsure if he wanted to push the conversation in that direction. “Have you dated anyone since Aaron?”

  Not what I expected. “No, no one.”

  “Do you ever hope to?”

  This was hard to think about. I had pushed Aaron out of my mind the last few days as I became preoccupied with Rhys, and it tortured my guilt-ridden heart. I couldn’t imagine how it would be if I actually dated someone.

  “That’s a complicated answer. I haven’t wanted to really, but I also don’t prefer the idea of being alone forever. I guess I’m not over the fear of loss and it keeps me from getting close to someone. I still don’t understand why Aaron was taken from me so early. I know people die, and nothing lasts forever, but I didn’t think our time would be so limited.” I paused to drink some water, anything to prolong his gorgeous eyes staring at me.

  “I see families and it’s the worst. I see these strangers and all I really see is Aaron and the kids we wanted. At this point I can’t even imagine kids because I consider them losing me and that scares the shit out of me.”

  “That’s completely understandable,” he said, looking down. His eyes acquired a certain sorrow in them and I could tell he didn’t want me to notice. “I haven’t suffered that kind of loss, but I can’t imagine living after that. I think you’re doing a fantastic job though: you’ve moved, started afresh, you have this great job in a city full of promise. Perhaps Aaron seems far from your heart, but I think he’s sending things your way.”

  Unbelievable. He was unbelievable and all I could do was stare back. Rhys’ smile crept up his face nervously, almost as if he worried he’d gone too far.

  “You may be right,” I grinned. “Aaron was always my biggest cheerleader and he knew this was an end goal. Maybe I lost him but gained something in the end.”

  Shortly after, our pizza arrived and we ate in comfortable silence. He treated me for lunch again and there was no point fighting it. On our way back to campus Rhys mentioned that he wouldn’t mind meeting somewhere else since I was on vacation. “Where did you have in mind?” I asked.

  “I don’t know, it’s London; there are infinite possibilities. We could go to the park? Saying my lines outside might be fun.”

  He was filled with enthusiasm and an excitable grin took over his face. It was seriously the sexiest smile I’d ever seen, not just because he was gorgeous, but because there was nothing but pure, unadulterated joy in his expression. And he’d been talking about time with me.

  “Okay, let’s do that.”

  “Great. I’ll bring my binder and we can meet there?”

  “Yeah, sure. I’ll bring my Paris books too. That way you can help me plan my trip for the fall.”

  “That’s a wonderful idea. I really hope you’re telling me because you’re going to take my offer for the apartment.”

  “No,” I laughed. “I’m telling you because I’m actually going to travel. It’s what Aaron would have wanted and being an expert in the frailty of life, I should enjoy what I have, right?”

  “Of course.” He paused as his eyes lit up. “You know, I’d be an excellent tour guide. I speak French.”

  “Of course you do,” I giggled foolishly.

  “I’m serious, you don’t believe me?”

  “No, I do.”

  “Then, what is it?”

  “Because ladies already think you’re handsome, famous, wealthy, and they adore you, so of course you’d speak French as well. You’re quite the catch.”

  He smiled, pleased with my revelation. I didn’t understand the look he gave me, but he seemed charmed.

  He kept his thoughts to himself and said, “I have to go, but I’ll see you at the park at nine.”

  As I walked home that afternoon, I again thought of the night Aaron proposed. We’d gone home, made love, and lay strewn across the bed, naked, discussing the wedding and our future honeymoon. Excitedly we planned it all in just a few hours, staying up late into the night, high from our joy. We wanted to get married at this tiny church on our college campus, and hoped to have our reception at a small Italian restaurant near our childhood homes. It was perfect for the immediate family and friends we had hoped to invite, both of us wanting a small wedding. But what we were most excited to plan was our honeymoon.

  We knew we wanted to go somewhere different and since we couldn’t afford going abroad, we decided that Hawaii would be perfect. It was manageable, but exotic, unlike anything we’d seen. Aaron got out of bed and brought the laptop back so we could choose a hotel, dates, and pick the excursions we’d hoped to take.

  I still hadn’t been to Hawaii, and whenever I considered going without him, depression deepened within me. Even coming across advertisements for Hawaii travel in magazines or on the Tube still brings me back to that night. He had promised to love me, take care of me, and to show me the world, taking us both to places we’d been dying to see.

  I knew he wouldn’t want me to miss out on life, and that’s why I bought the Paris guidebooks. I may have been thinking of Rhys too, but Aaron was always on my mind and in my heart, and in that way he’d be taking the trip with me. I thought about what Rhys had mentioned, that perhaps Aaron was sending opportunities my way, and I couldn’t stop hoping it was true.

  The world was a little less lonely when I could feel Aaron looking out for me. I also found myself appreciating Rhys, still in awe of how reverent he’d been in respecting what Aaron meant to me. I never thought I’d meet a man like that after Aaron, one that stirred similar emotions, let alone one that I could talk to about my past love.

  Later that night, I got another text from Rhys as I readied for bed. It was cryptic, but I played along.

  Rhys: So, do you???

  Me: Do I what?

  Rhys: Think I’m handsome?

  Me: What? That’s random.

  Rhys: You said ladies think I’m handsome, not “I think you’re handsome.” So I was wondering if you were included in such a group of ladies?

  I stared at my screen unsure how to reply. Part of me wanted to say yes, I do, but then thought it wasn’t professional. I didn’t want to lead him on, because while I entertained the false hope of someone like Rhys, I also didn’t want to lead myself on. After all, we only had two weeks left, and then what? I decided to be honest, but vague.

  Me: I mean, you’re not bad to look at.

  Rhys: That’s it?

  Me: Yeah. I will say you’ve been a pleasant surprise. I didn’t expect for you to be likable, or understanding.

  Rhys: I’ll take that as a good thing?

  Me: Yes.

  Rhys: Well, that’s good to know. I’m looking forward to being outside Thursday. I haven’t spent a day in the park in months. I plan on convincing you to stay at my flat in Paris, and I’m sure you’re excited to look at my “not bad” face, lol.

  I laughed, picturing him grinning like a teenager. Sometimes he bit his tongue when he laughed and it was adorably sexy, probably my favorite of all his laughs. Yes, I’d been mentally cataloguing his laughs like some lunatic. He sent another text right after.

  Rhys: Night, Ellie.

  CHAPTER SIX

  I caught up with my parents on Wednesday via Skype. Keeping in touch proved difficult with the time difference, but we made the effort and worked around it. It was great chatting with them and the happenings in our lives. My mother, of course, asked about Rhys, dying to know if he was as nice as he was handsome. She’d always been an avid reader of celebrity magazines and still couldn’t believe I was seeing him twice a week. I told her how it was going, leaving my attraction and connection with him out of it. She went as far as to ask for a picture of the two of us, still not q
uite believing I was working with him. I ignored her despite her incessant persistence.

  My parents were great at avoiding talk of Aaron. They learned within the second month after his passing that I never wanted to talk about it. Perhaps it wasn’t the healthiest road to recovery, but it worked for me, sort of. I hadn’t talked about him to anyone in months, and now he came up whenever I was with Rhys. It didn’t make sense that it was so uncomplicated to talk to him and not to my parents, or Anne. But it also made perfect sense. I wondered what it was, considering his smile, or the ease in his eyes, but it was simpler than that. Rhys had been the first to ask about me, identifying me as a separate entity, and not just as Aaron’s half-widow.

  Thursday morning I dressed comfortably in coral shorts, a white t-shirt and burlap toms. It was warm outside, so I tied my hair into a high ponytail, and excitedly assessed my outfit. I knew it was ridiculous to dress cute, but the girl within, the one I’d buried deep inside two years ago, was excited for his attention. I loved the way his eyes felt on me as he studied and took me into the layers of his mind.

  I could feel myself falling for him, stupidly of course, but I couldn’t deny the connection. It made me feel a little less alone in the world. I was also intrigued that he of all people ignited my interest. Even though others had tried without success, I hadn’t felt that way since Aaron. I’d been awkward with Rhys’ initial closeness, but quickly learned it was just his nature; he was caring, openhearted, and familiar in every way.

  That morning, I remembered we only had two weeks together and it scared me. How would I manage to keep moving forward without the person that encouraged my heart to restart? It’s why I’d hesitated letting him in, because inevitably, I would have to let him go.

  I took my big satchel filled with my Paris books, personal items, and a blanket to lie on. My nerves were like jumping beans in my stomach as I waited on the corner of Hyde Park for him to arrive. After ten minutes that were unending, a black Jaguar pulled up and dropped him off. He hadn’t seen me. As he spoke to his driver, and after pulling out his binder, he pulled out a large picnic basket. Rhys closed the door and almost bumped into me when he turned around.